F Y

I cannot help but think of how,             If things had gone just a little differently,                         I would have been someone that I could be proud of. Funny to think how things that happened so long ago could have an impact so many years later. I wish I could have been someone else,             Someone who was just a little bit more considerate, just a little bit more kind, just a little bit more of a better person. Maybe that self-loathing wouldn't be.             Maybe these versions of myself exist somewhere else, in some different, alternate timeline where she is not dead.                         I could be her , I could be so much better, I could reach that impossible- But I am who I am. Much as I despise myself for being     ...

I just want to disappear. I want the world to go back to to before I was born again again and an alternate timeline happens, one where I don't exist. It seems so much easier than being here, now, struggling. I can't help myself. I can't help the world. It feels like I'm swimming in water, pushing up and up, trying to find the surface BUT I CAN'T. Because no matter how hard I push, it's not there. I want to go away. Be a nobody. Walk around faceless because nobody knows me. Undo all the damage and all the ways I hurt others. I want to disappear. You see, under that exoskeleton that most people have, there's a raw, hurting human who's hiding away from you. One who seems so confident on the outside but who's afraid to try and become friends with you because what if you hurt them? What if you betray their confidence and trust and love? They say that only romantic partners can break your heart, but what if you've had your heart broken by your whole ...