Disappear
I just want to disappear. I want the world to go back to to before I was born again again and an alternate timeline happens, one where I don't exist. It seems so much easier than being here, now, struggling. I can't help myself. I can't help the world. It feels like I'm swimming in water, pushing up and up, trying to find the surface BUT I CAN'T. Because no matter how hard I push, it's not there. I want to go away. Be a nobody. Walk around faceless because nobody knows me. Undo all the damage and all the ways I hurt others. I want to disappear.
You see, under that exoskeleton that most people have, there's a raw, hurting human who's hiding away from you. One who seems so confident on the outside but who's afraid to try and become friends with you because what if you hurt them? What if you betray their confidence and trust and love? They say that only romantic partners can break your heart, but what if you've had your heart broken by your whole world, over and over and over again until it was nothing but pieces. And even when you gathered up the pieces and glued them back together (though they still aren't the same as they were before), what you lost was your trust in humanity and the ability to genuinely connect with someone ever again.
Because it's so exhausting to face society. people always want something from you. They want you to shove your personality deep down inside. Be another robot like them. otherwise, they'll hurt you into submission until you are. They'll tear you down until you become nothing but a shadow of yourself, until they are happy with how little of you is left. Then, you'll be expected to smile at them while holding your tears in, while holding all the anxiety that threatens to spill out of your chest in, because you have to.
And yet there's small shining stars that guide you out of the darkness. Sometimes you've been surrounded by darkness for so long that all you need is someone sent to you from above, a sign that you're still worthy, still valuable, still have something to give. A sign that you need to stop putting bits of yourself away from the world because you're afraid of what others will do to you. A sign that you need to stop chipping away at yourself until you're nothing, because even then, no one will be happy. A light in the darkness that'll remind you that you can become whole again, that you can gather the pieces of your heart together again because not everyone in the world will hurt you. Be THAT person, for others. Because everyone needs someone to pick up the pieces of their hearts.
You see, under that exoskeleton that most people have, there's a raw, hurting human who's hiding away from you. One who seems so confident on the outside but who's afraid to try and become friends with you because what if you hurt them? What if you betray their confidence and trust and love? They say that only romantic partners can break your heart, but what if you've had your heart broken by your whole world, over and over and over again until it was nothing but pieces. And even when you gathered up the pieces and glued them back together (though they still aren't the same as they were before), what you lost was your trust in humanity and the ability to genuinely connect with someone ever again.
Because it's so exhausting to face society. people always want something from you. They want you to shove your personality deep down inside. Be another robot like them. otherwise, they'll hurt you into submission until you are. They'll tear you down until you become nothing but a shadow of yourself, until they are happy with how little of you is left. Then, you'll be expected to smile at them while holding your tears in, while holding all the anxiety that threatens to spill out of your chest in, because you have to.
And yet there's small shining stars that guide you out of the darkness. Sometimes you've been surrounded by darkness for so long that all you need is someone sent to you from above, a sign that you're still worthy, still valuable, still have something to give. A sign that you need to stop putting bits of yourself away from the world because you're afraid of what others will do to you. A sign that you need to stop chipping away at yourself until you're nothing, because even then, no one will be happy. A light in the darkness that'll remind you that you can become whole again, that you can gather the pieces of your heart together again because not everyone in the world will hurt you. Be THAT person, for others. Because everyone needs someone to pick up the pieces of their hearts.
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